Reasons why Kurama shouldn't marry a ningen female
by Madhumalati
Summary: Reasons why our favourite fox shouldn't wind up with a nameless OC. HK implications. Scenario 7: Having sex in the back seat when there's someone else in your head isn't fun at all. Especially when he starts commenting....
1. Chapter 1

_**Reasons why Kurama shouldn't marry a ningen female:**_

Dedicated to all those obnoxious authors who insist on pairing Kurama with insipid, idiotic OCs who have no connection whatsoever to the atmosphere, plot or characters of Yu Yu Hakusho; who exist simply to allow the author to fantasise that (s)he is the one, the only, ooh, ooh, oohh. May I express just how much I'm annoyed by you people? Oh, by the way, severe HK implications, since it's me.

_**Reason #1:**_

'You can go in now, sir,' the doctor told Kurama.

Kurama stepped into the delivery room. His wife lay in the sheets, glowing with pride and triumph, her blonde hair shining with sweat and spread out on the pillow with uncanny prettiness considering that she had spent the last thirteen hours pushing something that was nearly a foot long and weighing nine kilos out of her body. He leaned down and they kissed passionately.

'My love, may I present your son?' she said, holding up an adorable bundle of red hair and blue eyes (from the mother, never mind how extraordinarily ugly the combination can be, not to mention almost impossible for a Japanese child to have). Kurama gazed at it with love and tears brimming in his eyes, and took it gently in his arms, feeling his heart fill with paternal pride at the thought of holding his son. Their son.

'I'm so proud of you,' he choked out. 'I love you. I love you so much.'

'I know, sweetums. And I lo–' she broke off and gasped in shock. A brief puff of smoke had surrounded the baby, and when it cleared Kurama was holding an entirely different baby in his hands: white-haired, golden-eyed, with a long fluffy tail and cute long fox ears peeking out of his head. It yipped, pleasantly surprised, and grinned a fanged grin.

She screamed bloody murder. 'Shuuichi! What is that……that thing!'

Kurama gulped. 'Well…………'

Secretiveness is a very bad habit.

* * *

_**Reason #2:**_

'……if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.' Three whole seconds passed, and the blushing bride discreetly stepped on the pastor's foot, urging him to continue while she stared adoringly at Kurama's beautiful face. Her other eye was fastened on her hubby's work partners, who looked on the edge of Pulling Something, especially that rude short one. The rest of her was evaluating the exact cost of the ring he was going to slip on her in three minutes or so.

Then she twitched, her eyes growing wide as she stared down in horrified dismay at the foot or so of katana sticking out of the left side of her chest before she crumpled soundlessly to the floor. Kurama stepped quickly out of the bloodstain range, worried about his new shoes and rather relieved about the whole mess being over.

'Does this count as an objection?' Hiei said blandly, pulling the katana out of her.

* * *

_**Reason #3:**_

'OHHH!' she squealed as her boyfriend opened the plush velvet box to display the shatteringly beautiful diamond necklace. 'Is that for me?'

'Of course it is,' he said, smiling lovingly at her. 'Everything I own is for you. Only you.'

'Oh, Shuu-shuu-baby!' she said, throwing her arms around him.

Someone cleared their throat, and she looked away, displeased to find that Goth friend of his standing there. And was that a sword at his hip?

'Fox,' he said crisply. 'Reikai knows about the diamonds. The Special Forces are about two hundred yards behind me, so I suggest we get a move on back to Makai. Koenma was saying something about throwing away the key this time.'

'Who's fox?' she said, bewildered, her sole brain cell hopelessly overloaded. 'Makai? Special Forces? Shuu-shuu-chan, what's going on?'

Then she found her arms unexpectedly empty as Kurama stood and inclined his head pleasantly at her. 'Sorry, honey. I have to go back to the demon world now, but I'll look you up when I get back, okay? It's only going to be a hundred years or so.'

And he ran out of the restaurant in close pursuit of that Hiei friend of his.

Her eyes rolled up in her head and she fainted.

The diamonds were gone, by the way.

A/N: why have I made Kurama evil? Because he is. He's a crook and a thief and a ruthless killer and fanficcers tend to forget it by focusing on his good side. But I think Toguro the elder and Karasu can convince you of what happens when you're on his bad side……snicker. I may add more if you ask really nice.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: so here are two more! There is one other which will be updated later. Reason #6 is rather long (and it has some very squicky implications) so I'll post it separately a couple of days from now, okay? Or five reviews. Whichever is earlier. I won't withhold because I don't have reviews, though; that's unfair to the readers.

_**Reason #4: the swimming pool**_

'Come on, Shuuichi,' she murmured. 'It's night. We're alone. Nobody's going to find out.'

'I don't feel like a swim,' he protested, one hand going up reflexively into his brilliant crimson tresses.

'Aw, cut loose and be less than perfect for once, baby,' she said, toeing the water thoughtfully. Kurama backed away slightly, looking perturbed.

'Come on!' she said seductively before she dived in herself, the swimming suit mysteriously appearing on her body despite the fact that they hadn't planned to walk past any large body of water.

'Darling, that's not really advisable,' he said, watching her. She stood up in the neck-deep water, rivulets running strategically down her swan-like neck. 'The pool isn't ours, and at this time of night……'

'Honestly, Shuuichi, don't be such a girl!' she said, and before he could react she jumped up, seized one slim wrist and tugged hard, pulling him down into the water with her. Kurama gasped and snuffled as he tried to get the water out of his nose and mouth. When he broke the surface, she wrapped her slender arms in a vice-like grip around his neck. 'Now, where were we?' she purred as she closed the distance between his lips and hers. 'Yes, I remember. You're wet, I'm wet, we're about two inches apart and nobody's watching. So, watcha gonna do?'

In Kurama's hair, a seed sprouted instantly on exposure to water, as it was wont to do. The twenty-foot carnivorous Makai water lily reared up silently over them and, sensing a being wrapped around its master, followed the simplest way of dealing with it, leaned down and swallowed her effortlessly.

Kurama yelped in surprise, watching the vaguely human-shaped lump sliding smoothly down the short neck of the water lily before falling with a dull splash into the pool of highly potent acid at its base.

'Damn, did I have that in there?'

_**Reason #5: Meeting the friends. **_

'So,' Yusuke said delicately, leaning back on Genkai's futons, 'exactly how much has he told you about himself?'

'Oh, Shuui tells me everything,' she trilled, delighted to meet his other friends at last.

'Really?' he said, eyes widening. 'I thought it was rather early in your relationship for that.'

'Of course not,' she scoffed. 'We were meant to be.'

'Go figure. Never thought he was the type. Why isn't he here yet?'

'Oh, his train's delayed. Anyway, as I was saying, he told me all about all of you. You, Kuwabara, Hiei, Yukina……'

Yusuke nearly spat out his coffee. 'You know Hiei and Yukina? Man, he must really trust you.'

She preened at the thought.

'So did he tell you about the last mission?' Yusuke said, eyes clouding in memory.

'Oh, yes,' she said, but before she could mention how nice it was that Shuuichi and his friends were all in the Peace Corps and frequently traveled together, Yusuke continued.

'Yeah, that demon was a right hard one to kill. I mean, it took all three of us to do it, ya know? And Hiei finished it off, really, but it wouldn't have died unless Kurama hadn't poisoned it first with one of his whip attacks. It numbed that guy real quick.'

Her mouth opened and shut in shock.

'And then I was like, Spirit Gun!' and here Yusuke demonstrated, wiping out a harmless stand of pine trees on a distant mountain. 'And before he even had a chance to react Hiei was all, Dragon of the Darkness Flame! You want to see it on video?'

She squeaked, but it was more in response to the flare of blue light that had erupted from his fingertips than his cordial offer. Yusuke took it as acceptance and whipped out a digital camera. On it, Kurama efficiently sliced an eighty-foot demon's shins into something that looked like it could be sold as a souvenir for three bucks a ziploc bag. As a wave of what suspiciously resembled hyperstimulated putrefaction spread up its legs, it doubled over with a screech of pain as a bolt of spirit energy hit it squarely in the stomach. Then the camera swung jerkily over to Hiei, who was in the process of stripping his wards off. The dragon smoked and sizzled as it howled towards the demon, ripping it apart. The film ended with all three of them in front of the camera. Yusuke was making his trademark gesture at the camera, Hiei was staring into the middle distance and Kurama was smiling while (she couldn't help but notice) wrapping a very possessive arm around Hiei's shoulders from behind.

'Cool, isn't it?' he said cheerily.

The girl fainted dead away.

When she woke up, she could see a figure robed in black, staring her down with three blinking, flashing eyes. 'Girl,' Hiei said. 'Look at me.'

Helpless to do otherwise, she whined in terror as he said, 'Now, you're going to see a bright light……'

Two hours later, Kurama walked slowly up to Genkai's, to see with Yusuke and Hiei there, sparring. 'Did my girlfriend turn up?' he enquired.

'Yeah, she did,' Yusuke said. 'But she kind of saw Yukina doing some healing, and she had to get her memory wiped.'

'That makes three in eight months,' Kurama said, dropping his bag wearily to the ground. "Damn, my luck is bad.'

'You'll get over it,' Yusuke said, clapping a brotherly arm on his back and winking slyly at Hiei.

Who smirked. Widely.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Reason #6: The fan club**_

'I love you, baby,' she cooed, staring – no, starring – trustingly into his emerald pools, his glowing green orbs. 'I want this. Let's make love tonight.'

'Oh, sweetheart,' he said, voice thick with the feeling in his groi-er, heart. 'Come with me.'

There was a flash of lightning, blinding them both, and when it cleared they were no longer alone.

There were six shadowy figures in the bedroom now, of varying height, attire and appearance. Yusuke was there, and Hiei, and next to them stood Yomi, tall and calm as ever. Shura was standing in front of him. Beside them stood Kuwabara, and next to them was the porcelain, slender figure of a certain demolition maniac with a redhead fixation.

'What the hell are you lot doing here?' Kurama growled. He felt justified. Here he was, about to make whoopee, and all his friends decide to have a reunion on his bed. And there wasn't even popcorn.

'We,' Hiei said, 'are the Kurama yaoi fanclub. We are also the kitsune-lover support group for the men and women you have left strewn behind you like so many used tissues.'

'Yeah,' Yusuke agreed. 'And we're here to tell you that this is absolutely unacceptable.'

'For one,' Yomi said, 'there are many perfectly good men here that you can fall madly in love with and have really hot boy/boy sex with. Instead, you choose to give your affections to this nameless human whelp.'

'What daddy said. Besides, I'm eligible. He's eligible. We're all madly in love with you, so why shouldn't you be with us?'

'And what's so wrong with us that you can't?'

At this statement, Kurama's brain cleared somewhat. He pointed sternly at Shura. '_You_ are underage.'

'Like _I_ wasn't when we–' Yusuke began to mutter, but he cut off at the fox's poisonous glare.

'And what the hell are _you_ doing _here_?' he said again, pointing at Karasu.

He smirked. 'Karasuluver149.'

'Ehwhat?' Kurama said intelligently.

'An obsessed fanficcer. When she wrote her 616th fanfic on the subject of my resurrection I was able to seize control of her mind and reshape her body to my own desires.' He leered magnificently. 'And they are pretty desires, are they not, my beautiful redhead?'

'And it's not just us,' Kuwabara said, pulling out a small crystal ball. 'I have with me a message of support from Kuronue in the demon afterlife and Koenma in the Reikai, and another one from Ani Toguro which was relayed from the middle of the death tree in the cave Sensui was living in. At least, I think it's a message of support.' He clicked a button, and in between _arghs_ and _eiyaahs _and_ Die, why won't you die? _there was a mumble of _forever, Kurama_. 'Well, sorta, anyway.'

'And even if you decide that you don't play for that team anymore,' Botan said, hands on her hips, 'You should take your pick from one of us!' Yukina, Shizuru and Keiko nodded enthusiastically.

'Or me!' said Sniper, appearing inexplicably. Hiei rounded on him.

'Get the hell out! You're not an official member!'

'Or me!' said Kagome, green miniskirt and all.

'You don't even belong in this series!' Kurama said numbly.

'So what's your point? I've been paired with you so often it sure feels like it!'

It was at this point that Kurama realised that the girl in his arms was sobbing and picking up her bag as she stomped out the door. 'Don't you dare call me again, you tramp!' she screeched as she left. 'Cheater!'

Kurama turned to the others wearily. They eyed him with equal parts hunger and annoyance.

'All right,' he said, 'so what do you want?'

'We want you to choose one of us,' Yusuke said.

A faint spark of interest lit the fox's eyes. Yes, he could definitely make something of this. 'I see,' he said slowly. 'And since we're all friends, I think it's quite a difficult choice, don't you? And I have to be absolutely certain that the one I choose in the end is the one I want to be with.'

'So what do you want us to do?' Shura said blankly.

'Well, for a start, you could line up outside the bedroom so we can do this one at a time………'

Thereby proving that all those rumours about kitsune appetites? Not really rumours.

A/N: I apologise for making Kurama such an absolute slut, I really do. Except that it's funny and just right for this fic, never mind that I would never _ever _write something like this normally. I already did Evil!Kurama and Sneaky!Kurama, I guess Slutty!Kurama was the only one left. And er, EVERYONE in the series ogles Kurama. Even the ones like Koenma, Kuwabara and Yusuke, who actually have girls of their own. I guess it's just how Kurama is; he's a fox, all right. Please don't hate me for this. The Muse demands and I can only obey. Besides, this IS supposed to be a parody, right? And at least the OC got off lightly in this one.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Reason #7: The Running Commentary**_

_You know, I don't think you're doing it quite right, _Youko observed, leaning over Shuuichi's metaphorical shoulder and peering at the female currently pinned under him with clinical interest. _If I were you I'd be using a bit more tongue on the neck._

_You _are_ me, so just shut up,_ Shuuichi mumbled. _Go away, Youko._

_Really, cars aren't the best place to do this kind of thing,_ Youko mused, his tails wagging thoughtfully. _I've never enjoyed having sex in close quarters myself. No room to manoeuvre. That, and tentacles and horns wouldn't fit. I do like youkai with tentacles. Octopus youkai, mmmm. Hey, do you remember the one in Kalgon seven hundred years ago?_

_Youko,_ Shuuichi hissed, understandably distracted, _I DO NOT want to remember the octopus youkai! I'll be scarred for life!_

_But she was succcch fuuun. All those tentacles……it was like an orgy of two. _Youko leered, then sniffed disdainfully. _Not like this one. I mean, all those squeaky sounds? Not interesting at all. She sounds like a dying pig. Really, I much prefer the tentacles._

_Yeah, but at least I don't have to worry about getting ink up my nose at a sensitive moment!_

_Details, details,_ Youko said dismissively. _Look at the big picture._

_You're a lecher._

_You're surprised? _Youko paused for a second. _You might want to do this……_he sent a fairly graphic image into Shuuichi's mind. _Not quite the same,_ he cautioned. _A bit to the left. She's only got two breasts, after all. But then again, you don't have a tail, so I suppose that's just as well. I don't suppose you would want to grow a tail for this? I could show you how._

_No tails. No fangs. No claws. _……_and none of that either,_ Shuuichi added hastily to the next suggestion.

_Aww. You're really not adventurous, are you?_

_No, I'm just rather sure that human physiology isn't built to take that kind of thing. ……and would you stop talking to me?! _

_But I'm bored!_

_I'm not. Sod off. I can't focus._

Youko pouted. _Come on. Aren't you supposed to be a multitasker?_

_This is not a thing one should multitask at, _Shuuichi gritted.

_But see, you've been talking to me the whole time, so clearly it's not good enough to hold your full attention……you know, the licking seems to work. But really, that perfume! Too strong. I prefer something more woodsy. _And he sneezed, discreetly and pointedly._ Snff. Snff._

_Youko!_

_Calling my name in the middle of sex? Why, Shuuichi, I didn't think you felt that way about me!_

_PERVERT! _

_You said it, red. _Youko tapped a contemplative finger against his lip. _You know, I don't think these humans are right for you. You need a nice youkai. Someone who can keep up with you, and who hopefully doesn't bore me to death either. Hmmm. Oi, I don't suppose I could interest you in Yomi, could I?_

_No,_ Shuuichi said. _It was bad enough with the memories of the two of you. No way. No. _

_And dear Yusuke is taken. And I don't think you really like Yukina much. Not that way._

Shuuichi shook his head frantically.

'Is something wrong, baby?' the woman cooed.

'No, nothing.'

'You looked horrified for a moment.'

'I'm fine.'

'Come here then, sweetie-cakes.'

Activities resumed.

Inside Shuuichi's head, Youko sniggered. _Snh. Snh. Snh._

_Shut up!_

_Sweetie-cakes? Honestly, why do all your girlfriends feel compelled to call you some disgusting pet name?_

_Never mind. And how could you suggest Yukina?_

_It's easy. I project a thought, you receive it……_

_That's not what I meant! If Hiei found out I was putting the moves on his sister – or even thinking about putting the moves on her – he'd turn me into crisps! Or dice me!_

_Hiei! _Youko exclaimed.

_Exactly. Hiei. _Shuuichi paused, suspicious. _Eh, what?_

_Hiei! That's just the right one for you! I mean, _look _at him! All that tasty cuteness. And those strong hands, and that voice………mmmm. Oh, yes. We should definitely go after him, red. He'd be hot. _Youko smirked. _In more ways than one, I suppose. I always did like the feisty ones._

_Hiei?!_ Shuuichi yelped. Unfortunately, due to a certain amount of twiddling by a certain fox, he said it aloud.

'What?' she spat, shocked.

'What?' he replied, even more shocked.

'You called out someone else's name!' she seethed. 'Get off me!'

Still numbed by Youko's last statement, he only jerked back to reality when the steering wheel hit his head. The girl climbed out of the car, spitting mad, and rearranged her clothing as she stalked away.

_Well, that's that,_ Youko said unrepentantly, oblivious to Shuuichi's glare. _And now, about that delicious little half-breed……_

A/N: Dedicated to Xiassen for giving me this idea. As always, suggestions are welcome!


End file.
